I am a 29 yr old single mother of two that was in an 11 yrs relationship. He was my first everything, we separated close to 3 yrs ago. I am
new to the whole dating scene and clueless when it comes to flirting. I have have not been in a relationship since. I want to bring up a
missed opportunity that has been in my mind for some time; so when the situation presents itself, I will better prepared.
So let’s get to it! I started taking my daughter to a church related activity every Saturday in which parents were also required to attend
(of course, the parents class was a separate room) from October 2015 and ended in June 2016. There was a guy that caught my attention. I
thought he was in a relationship with his son’s mother, but from hearing conversations and seeing they were arriving in different cars , I soon realized they were not; just co parents.
I really had a crush on this guy but I was always so shy that I couldn’t even smile nor say hello. The situation was already awkward having
his ex present most of the time. I was so bad, that I would pass by him and thought he was super hot and a great father, but would act as if
he didn’t exist. I did notice (when I did look, hiding behind my dark sunglasses) him looking at me sometimes as well. I felt like I never
gave him a sign to let him know I was interested. I did notice his ex giving me a dirty look on one occasion, mind you, I never spoke to her
or gave her any disrespect gesture for that matter. As the class was coming to an end, I came to work and asked my coworkers for advice. My guy co worker told me to write a note and put it on his windshield, saying that I was interested, another guy coworker told me I had to give him a sign because we were in the 20th century and it was a “two way street”. My girl coworker said NOT to do the note, and other girl
coworkers agreed. My girl coworker said that he simply wasn’t interested if we were in this class for that long and he never approached or said anything. So the class ended and the only thing I knew was his son’s name and the model and color of his car.
It bothers me, because I could of said something since it was the end and just taken a rejection (if he in fact wasn’t interested) than have
that lingering in my mind and thinking the “what if”. I am so bad when it comes to flirting that when someone is flirting with me, I am
unaware of it. So my question is how do I break out of my shell and get out of my comfort zone and learn to date/flirt.
Jumping into the dating scene today can be crazy, scary, but sexy and cool at the same time.
Now before I get into a few basic flirting and ice breaker tips, let me explain why dating a guy who’s ex, his child, him and you go to the
same function/church/whatever… (the quick answer) is, that’s too close for comfort. Meaning it would have gotten way more awkward than
Unless you are very good at early relationship discretion, meaning acting like y’all don’t know each other around his ex-wife and
daughter… it’s just TOO MESSY to start off well.
And since you were giving him the WALKING-DEAD-PAN-I-WANT-TO-JUMP-YOUR-BONES-Stare, and that’s why wifey was mugging you lol… you may want
to just chalk that up as a good decision on your part. And if you weren’t staring, she sensed it withe her SPIDEY SENSES lol
Now, because you were 18 and a virgin when you met your ex, and if I’m correct, have never dated or had sex with another man… be sure that you know exactly why you’re looking to date. Are you looking for something serious/marriage. Or do you just want to date and meet different people.
Either is cool but being clear in your own head will help you tremendously!
The more cut and dry you are with what you want the less likely you are of getting into some much undue drama. If you want a husband, take
time to get to know the guy and ask a lot of personal questions…but have fun (order my book “But Naked Honest” from the Shop tab)
If you just want to date and meet new people, keep it fun and flirty and still get my book and ask questions!
How to flirt with a guy::
1. Smile with your eyes, face, and lips. – Let your eyes, and face smile as you say HELLO!!
Hello is still the best Ice Breaker of all time!
2. Laugh – most men like women who like to laugh
3. Wear a dress or a bad ass outfit – You’re a woman…FLONT IT! The first thing a guy sees isn’t your great personality and your spirit…
NO… he sees your face and body. Work it on your Flirt Days.
That’s it, be womanly and you will attract a man who likes women lol! I know it seems simple, that’s because, we men are pretty simple…at
the beginning at least. Watch some old black and white movies and see how those ladies did it…they had it down packed. The art of flirting without flirting too hard.
Your homework for this week, start making eye contact, smiling and saying hello to people. Everyone. Then when you see that guy who really
catches your eye and gets you wet… you’ll just smile and say…
Man tries to get lady’s attention, lady doesn’t notice. Man gets an opportunity to grab lady’s face and kisses lady. Now lady’s panties are soggy, man gets lady’s attention in a major way! Man and lady have been having sex for a year now (with no major regularity). Man has disclosed major sexual experiences to which lady has always been very intrigued and interested in experiencing. Every time man and lady hook up, lady goes expecting to be enlighten by mans experiences, freaked out or turned out and man gives her vanilla every time.
Hey Ms DTI,
So Him Tarzan, You Jane?? Ha! Well it could be many things. His bark could be better than his bite; he might be lying. Or, he wants/needs you to initiate the spectacular sexcapades. Are you doing things that make you say to yourself, “OMG did I just do that??” If not, then what are you waiting for. Sometimes, like masturbation, you’re in charge of your pleasure. And if he has the TOOL and your wet and feeling wild, why not dive in uninhibited girl?!
Go into the bedroom blank. Don’t expect the movie to blow you away just go see the movie and be open. But unlike a movie, you can be the director, actor, and the editor. Editor meaning if there’s something you didn’t like last time, ReDo that shit and make it what you want.
Then, if he’s not flowing with you, and you don’t want to put in the time to learn and grow sexually together, you can always get a new leading man. You’re the Stephanie Spielberg of your sexual movie girl. ACTION!!
Subject: Caught In The Act
First off I’m so glad you have this platform cause this just happened and I’m kind of embarrassed to tell even my BFF. To put it blunt, my man walked in on me while I was playing with my toy on Full blast! I was in so deep that I didn’t even hear him come in the room. The thing that got me is that he seemed a little upset at first. Eventually we laughed it off but I could tell something bothered him. I have to admit our sex life is a bit conservative. Not that I’ve been with a lot of men, we were actually College Sweethearts and I was only with 2 guys before him sexually. But something about this Naughty Forty got me horny all the time…WHAT’S UP? Ok…let me get to my question, well 2, WHY do you think he was so upset and How can I tell him I want to experiment more without making him mad. We’ve been together 16 years, married 13… I’m ready for more excitement with hubby.”
Hey Electric Lady,
So were you screaming when he walked in? He might have thought the worst; that he was gonna CATCH A CASE!!! Anyway, hmmm, you know your husband better than I do cause…I don’t think I know him at all. Meaning can you even discuss masturbating with him? Have you ever masturbated in front of him; with or without your toy? Some folks are conservative lovers because their conservative in life period. It may not be a strictly sexual thing. Hopefully he doesn’t mind talking to you about sex…but, by the way he reacted maybe you need to ease into the conversation (pun intended)
Try to do the sex talk at his favorite restaurant, or dessert or coffee spot. I say that because your home should be a place of rest relaxation and intimacy. Try to reduce difficult conversations in the house. The sexier you make your house, the more comfortable you make it, the closer you’ll get to receiving everything you want sexually. Comfort is key. And remember, he’s not a female with a penis, HE’S A MAN! Men communicate differently. Talk his talk so he can understand where you’re coming from. What does he like; sports, food, whatever it is that makes him Happy, include that in your atmosphere setting to help relax him. And make sure he knows that you’re with him and not leaving him behind in your exploits. Even though it was a toy he might have thought “She going crazy over that toy…fuck that toy!” All of the sudden your toy is your other man. Sounds crazy but consider his Ego like your Emotions. Have fun and make the conversation light, not pushy, and find out what he’s down for too. I think it may have been great that he caught you…it may be the best thing that has ever happened to your sex life. Tell me how it goes
Hey Mrs Roper,
I’m going to give you my 4 top reasons why your husband may not be having sex with you like he used to, or not at all;
1. Impotence/ Erectile Dysfunction – Your guy may have a medical condition that he does, or doesn’t know about. It’s always good to get a check up (oops), I mean if he’s up to it…(my bad)
2. Stress – About 75% of all illnesses are attributed to stress and most men hide their stress through quiet anguish. Work, money, and the multiple responsibilities of today are enough to bring anyone down. You have to know how to bring your man at ease and help him relax.
3. Mad – Think back to when the sex was good and flowing like a River… when did it stop? Is he the type to get mad at little things, hold a grudge, or does it take a lot to upset him? Hopefully you two can talk during the good and bad times. If you love him, step out of yourself, and pay attention to what you do that he doesn’t like. Pay attention to how things are going when you do have sex. Usually it’s not hard to tell when someone we love is mad. It affects both people to heart.
4. Doesn’t Enjoy Having Sex with You – This is another FLASHBACK TO BEFORE MARRIAGE. Did he like having sex with you then? Did anything change? Have you two been shopping for S&M leather suits and fur handcuffs? WHATEVER MAKES IT HOT AGAIN for you both, try that!
The good thing is that as you eliminate one of these 4 things at a time from your list, you get closer to a possible solution. This won’t be easy…unless you already know what the problem is, then of course… I’ll be expecting another question from you soon. All The Best
Subject: Why does he do that?
I have been in an on again/off again thing for the past two years. We started out great, but I’ve had insecurities that showed up and he was going through losing a business and a house. Needless to say, we’ve both hurt each other in the relationship. We go months without speaking, try again and usually end up frustrating each other again. It’s almost like a power struggle. Each time we fight, he says he’s done and never coming back, but always does. We aren’t having sex anymore, so I don’t think he’s coming back just for that, although when we were, it was amazing. This last time around, he told me to move on to something else like he has. I asked if he was seeing someone else and he said yes. I asked if it was serious and he told me it was none of my business. I told him that I think he sometimes just says things to hurt my feelings and he didn’t exactly deny that, but said if I was gonna “fuck with him, he would fuck with me, too. ” my question: does this guy really care for me and we’re both just scared? Why would he not tell me if he’s serious with this person, IF there really is another person? Do you think there is really another person? Why can’t we get it together? Is this a lost cause or can on/off again ever work and stay “on?” Should i really just give up and move on?Hellllppppp!!!
Hey Ms AWG,
As many women do, you asked 1 question with 6 parts, hahaha, so let me count the ways and break it down point by point (so it will forever be broken down).
1. Does this guy really care for me and we’re both just scared?
Yes to both. I believe this guy cares for you. Just like you care for your favorite dress, or pair of shoes. You love wearing them on those special occasions when you want to impress. They make you feel good. And when you don’t need them you put them safely back in their place until another special time you want to feel good. But eventually…they too will be out of style. Of course you’re both scared. Everyone is scared of the unknown. And Hurt People hurt people. So you have fear, and doubt with no direction; because neither one of you really know what you want.
2. Why would he not tell me if he’s serious with this person, IF there really is another person?
Because he figured telling you there was someone else would be enough to make you back off. Here’s the sad part, it doesn’t matter if there’s another person or not, his intent was one of 2 things; TO GET YOU TO GO AWAY, OR TO HURT YOU. Either way you have to love yourself enough to walk away.
3. Do you think there is really another person?
Yes, I don’t know him…not sure why he would lie. If you can’t believe what he says…
4. Why can’t we get it together?
Because you two have not defined and committed to what you want from one another. Are you just having sex, are y’all doing the Boyfriend/Girlfriend thing, or do you both want to be married? How do you fit into his life’s journey? Get my book in the SHOP section.
5. Is this a lost cause or can on/off again ever work and stay “on?”
You two have to be on one accord in your decision to keep your relationship ON and growing. Anything that doesn’t grow is retarded.
6. Should I really just give up and move on?
This once again, is totally up to you. Remember, you are what you accept, and negotiate. If this relationship is fulfilling your desires, needs, and happiness then stay.
I hope this helped a little.
What are the current rules to dating? I am so confused. Dating now seems to just be secretly sleeping together not really dating publicly followed by relationship…”
Hey Ms WhatTheWhat,
Yes sometimes the current “Dating Scenario” seems pretty unromantic and microwave fast. The sad part is there have never actually been any specific rules to dating, just a passed down tradition of HOW TO RESPECT A GIRL, & HOW TO RESPECT A GUY. We’re not seeing a lack of abiding by the Rules of Dating, we’re seeing a lack of etiquette training. Those of us who have learned how to be a lady in public and how to be a gentleman in public must take time to teach young and old people how to do the same. Some ladies open their own doors because they figure if they don’t who will?? Some men want to rush through dating and get to sex because no one has complimented their character and intrigued their minds.
We’re attracted to each other’s looks and bodies, let’s hurry up and have sex before it gets too real… that may be a little exaggerated but we just need to slow down. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, be vulnerable and answer questions too. As a woman don’t be afraid to, with a smile, say “I love when a man treats me like a lady and…” Chivalry should be rewarded by sweetness. Kindness should be rewarded with kindness. I believe we should start there. Taking time to appreciate everything about someone, actually takes time. If we slow down to be considerate of the whole person we’re dating, the courtship will be exciting, intriguing and entertaining. That’s what’s missing; mutual respect and admiration. We must initiate it, sometimes, to receive it in return. What’s that old saying “Use what ya got, to get what you want!”. Not just your body, use your respect and kindness, and pass by those who don’t do the same.
I’m not a “Squirter” so how do you know when it happens?’
Hey Ms DripDrop,
Awwww…I’m so sorry. Just kidding. I would say the best way to know when it happens is a stream of fluid rushing out of your body that’s not urine. For those that don’t know the science about Female Ejaculation, especially those who still think it lives in a land of Unicorns, Big Foot and the Easter Bunny… google it, and there are several books that explain how it occurs and what exactly it is. I’m going to focus on your question “HOW DO I KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENS?”
You may want to leave the lights on for this one. Before sex or masturbation be sure to use the bathroom so that your bladder is empty. This is because many women mistake the sensation they get before ‘squirting’as a “Pee Signal”. That Pee Signal is something that men all over the world look forward to. It’s something most men have been acquainted with since about the ages of 10/11/12…whenever the first time was that he was in a tub playing with his penis and realized the sensation where he thought he was going to urinate but instead… EJACULATION!! And his life is forever ruined! Just kidding… also I remember my first wet dream and thinking I had pee’d the bed, then soon realizing that “Hey, this ain’t pee!?” Many women get up and run to the bathroom; ending what could be the most amazing orgasm you’ve Never experienced!!
The main thing to do, which is a continual life process is being comfortable with your own body. Women are actually more in control of whether they reach orgasms then any partner or machine. You have to be mentally and emotionally open to let your physical body react and explode like she wants. Which also means you have to be comfortable and open with your partner. Like I said, guys have been ejaculating for years so we know what our body is going to do and everyone is happy. For a woman that has never experienced “Squirting” it feels like she’s losing control and about to go to the bathroom and she’s shaking like she’s having a stroke…and…and…that type of fear will shut down the water works girls. And that’s a natural reaction to the unknown.
Just make sure you’re comfortable with yourself, your partner, and they are open with you and comfortable as well…and bring some towels.
I am a single woman 52 years young. I divorced my husband in 1998. I met this guy in 2000 and we have been in this “relationship” if you can call it that, for the past 15 years. We started seeing each other. We didn’t become intimate until a year after we met on my birthday. I was transferred to California and then he was transferred to Chicago. He came to San Diego to see me. I was then transferred to San Antonio. He went back to Maryland. He came to see me in San Antonio. So, I asked him about our relationship. I told him how I felt about him. He told me that he cares about me, but he doesn’t want a serious relationship. So, what do you call a relationship that’s been on-going for 15 years? There are times when I don’t see him for about 8-9 months (we live in the same area – the DMV). I don’t know about him, but I haven’t been intimate with anyone else since he and I started this “thing”. So, if I don’t get any for 8-9 months, that’s what it is. My question is this: Should I let this relationship that he and I have go? I have been asked out on dates by other men and I have turned them down. And no, I don’t tell them that I’m seeing someone else, I just turn them down. He gets angry if he sees me on a dating website, but there is no “us.” I’m a “regular girl” and would really prefer it on a “regular.” I’m just trying to figure it out…”
Hey Ms ReadyTo,
It’s always funny to me when a guy (or gal) who doesn’t want a serious relationship with someone gets upset when that someone tries to move on…HA!! Ask yourself, What Do I Want?? That’s what matters. Take him at his word, He doesn’t want a Serious Relationship. He wants to continue to see you for sex occasionally throughout the years ahead and have whatever else he has going on too. And there’s nothing wrong with that Relationship, especially if that’s what you want too. For the past 15 years your actions have shown that it’s cool for you too. Now the monkey-wrench comes in because you two live in the same area of the country. Ut Oh! Plus the fact that he’s the only person you’ve been with over the past 15 years…seems like you’re pretty serious. Ut Oh#2, see the problem. He doesn’t see your relationship as serious, but you have made it the main relationship in your life.
Now the only reason you should let it go is if you want to give yourself a fair shot at a serious relationship. Other than that it seems like you’re cool with it. Totally up to you. But make sure you and yourself can agree on it. You owe no excuses to anyone if you choose what makes you happy and at peace.
If you have been with someone for several years and they haven’t been intimate with that person but you don’t separate because of financial obligations is it really considered cheating if you find someone to fill that void?”
Hey Ms GoodItch,
Believe it or not this is a common question from women in not only sex-free relationships but in intimacy lacking relationships. If you’re a healthy, sensual person in a relationship, one of the many perks of being in a good relationship is intimacy and sex. Without it, I believe, you’re missing one of the main glues that keep the relationship together. With that being said, if you and your mate recognize that your situationship is more of a business, or convenient living arrangement, then hopefully you two are business-like enough to negotiate mutual terms. In other words, Page 2: Paragraph 4 – both parties may have sexual relations outside of home as long as it is consensual, legal and with use of proper protection to avoid pregnancy or sexual transmitted diseases whereas a child or death could cause disruption in home environment. If outside relationship becomes serious beyond sex to the point of said party wanting to move out, said party must give 3 months notice…or something like that.
If you and your mate agree on it, I guess it’s legal within the terms of your relationship. The definition of cheating is totally up to the individuals in the relationship. What do you two call “Cheating”? In marriage some people tend to write their own vows, whether they stick to them or not is up to them. What it seems like you have is a business arrangement. So, what are the terms? But be mindful what kind of man you’re with and if he’s jealous. Emotions can destroy your contract if he doesn’t like the terms.
Subject: How far will a man go for love vs sex?
Just how far will a man go? Will he go farther for one over the other and will he sacrifice material things or his pure soul?”
Hey Ms Neverending,
Now when you ask how far will a man go for sex, it will usually end when he gets it or has had enough sex. I’ve heard stories of guys who have lied about their mother dying to get some of the glorious Punani. Guys pleading with women, men who shed tears, lie and steal. Drama. See the thing about sex is that it has an ending.
But Love; love is stronger and lives longer than hate. Love has no end. To me, even in the worst circumstances, if forgiveness is activated Loves rises back to the surface. Love is a goal that is always just a little farther. Men have built and destroyed kingdoms because of it. I’m convinced that the pyramids were built because a Queen said “Baby, can we make the tombs a little bigger?? What if we have guests? And where will I put my shoes?”
Love has caused men to buy homes. And yes people have killed and committed suicide over their Crazy love for another. Love is so gangsta that it doesn’t discriminate. Anyone can roll with it and if you’re not extremely careful you can full right into a pool of it. And drown, happily while crying and laughing.
Love trumps sex, every time. A man will go farther for love, and won’t even know it’s love that is guiding him. L.O.V.E. (lost & oblivious to virtually everything) HA!!
Subject: JumpOff Time Limits?
Despite ill-defined and extremely confusing, the technical definition of my situation is a ‘relationship’. Meaning, two persons interacting in a manner of connection having an affinity, consanguinity and perhaps even an allegiance.
I’ve been involved in this ‘relationship’ with a man for seven years. Although not 100% sure, I believe that he is having sex with other women- as I have also occasionally dated other men. However, our sex game is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!…. and it always have been… nothing new.
He and I have never discussed, defined or committed to one another exclusively. (the ideal situation for two single, unmarried, no children, gorgeous Bachelor or Bachelorette, huh?) All the perks but no commitment.
Here’s the issue: Thus far, it’s been 7 years! I now believe that feelings are involved (for us both) but there has been no communication. We’re buying each other gifts, introducing to all family/friends, exchanging house keys, getting jealous and texting. or calling during times throughout the day- rather than the 1am, “what you doing?” text.
Since there has been no conversation of exclusivity and we’re both apparently scared as hell to just talk openly and honestly, is it too late? Can a true relationship be formed from a long-lasting jumpoff, or Has a precedent been already established? How long can a jumpoff last? And who/how does it end?”
Hey Ms WTFisThis,
Let me help you both, YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Even if you’re just fucking for 7 years, YOU’RE IN A “FUCKING” RELATIONSHIP! OK now that we have that established… when you say “True Relationship” that means that you yourself have ideas on what things should be in place to constitute a “True Relationship”; a relationship that you feel is going somewhere, that you can sit down with other couples and talk about…that would be approved by the Public standard. Now what you have to do is talk to him about what you both desire out of this Relationship. Do you all want marriage, or are you both cool with the way things are going? Because where you are now, questioning what’s next, and what can be…is completely normal. Sex is wonderful. But sex has 2 original purposes; to make babies and to draw people closer together. If you don’t have babies together then you’ve just been getting deeper and closer over the last 7 years.
Anything is possible. If you both can agree on where you want to be in your relationship and walk it out, you’ll get exactly what you want.
Something I Remember::
I had a client in my barbershop years ago who was an avid cyclist, so was his gorgeous female cousin. They’d come in and give me fitness tips and diet plans, and we would laugh and joke. About 3 years later my client told me he was getting married. Now since he was in his 50’s and had been married before I figured he had put major thought into this decision. About 9 months or so after his wedding he was in my chair getting a cut and was complaining about married life; nothing crazy, basic stuff I had heard before from other married men and women. Just the trials of adjusting from being single. Later as we laughed and talked I asked “Hey, how’s your cousin?” and he turned to me and said “Troy that’s not my cousin. We’ve been seeing each other for 30 years.” He said that it started as friends with sexual benefits and then they started telling people they were cousins and everyone believed them. So through several relationships and even marriages, they just kept their relationship going in public, but in secret. I asked him “Well, why didn’t you 2 ever get married??” to which he shrugged and said “I think we know each other too well.”
I believe they just never had the conversation to decide what they really wanted. Hmmm I wonder where they are now?
Why do you think so many people are so very quick to throw in the towel when it comes to relationships in this current generation? Is there such a thing as unconditional love any more?”
Hey Ms WITL,
I believe that many people throw in the towel because they have the option to. In boxing a trainer throws in the towel when his fighter is losing the fight and he feels like any further punishment could severely injure or kill his fighter. Likewise some people feel like the fight to keep their marriage or relationship going is a lost cause. They feel like the depression and anger is about to kill them or have them kill the person who they truly LOVE! And for some there are just too many options. There is always someone who looks better, smells better, sexes you better, cooks better, has more money, more power, more…better… So the options they see look better than the commitment they’re in, and they Throw In The towel on their relationship. They lack the commitment to stay in the relationship and keep fighting. Sometimes the problem is that they were never told that they would have to fight to keep the relationship together. Never told that Happily Ever After would only last about 3-12 months after the marriage. What now?
The other thing is, Unconditional Love for someone can’t always be indicated by whether you commit your life to that person. There are many people who truly love their ex’s, but they can’t make it work with them long enough to stay together in harmony. Unconditional love just means you love them no matter what; like the son who loves his mother even though she is on drugs; but it’s dangerous to have her live with him. Like that wife who loves her cheating husband so much but the pain won’t let her stay. Like that husband who loves his abusive wife so much that he won’t fight her back, but he knows he has to live; so he leaves. Today, I think what needs to be established are our skills of commitment and fighting wisely together as partners and not against one another. Being invincible together, with our mate, by building a desire to not quit, and to train hard in wisdom, intimacy, and friendship. The goal should be Getting To A Place where you love your union so much that you add to it daily no matter what. A commitment where you and your partner say, even before you get into the ring of marriage, “Divorce is not an option!” And then train hard and passionately together to WIN together. DING DING!!
Subject: Stubborn Lover
If one partner is heavily into oral sex and the other isn’t do you feel the relationship could survive? If he prefers oral over penetration and she prefers penetration over oral how would they compromise if they are both adamant about their desires?”
Hey Ms GiveItHere,
STOP BEING SELFISH!! Here’s my thing, if you’re not pleasing your lover just masturbate; it’s much less stressful. Now, can a relationship survive without good, satisfying sex and intimacy…yes; but it will be on life support. Just surviving. In my new book “Her Butler, His Maid: having gratitude in servitude toward your lover” (Summer 2015), my entire focus is on how couples should approach pleasing one another. Usually at the beginning of a relationship we can’t do enough for the Apple Of Our Eye, for our Bae, our Sweetie Pie; we share everything. Then when it’s starts getting rough, going bad, or one person is ready to quit it turns into “This is my Shit, That is your shit!”
Compromise is easy if you really love and care about your lover, because then a big part of what pleases you is finding ways to please them. Do you enjoy hearing him moan and scream in ecstasy? Does he enjoy stroking you deep while gripping your hands firmly above your head until…oh…I’m back. Why have sex if you’re not pleasing the other person? And if your partner doesn’t care then you shouldn’t either. Keep stepping!
I have been trying for years to let go of my child’s father. We talk everyday, and we now have a grandson that he adores and comes to see often. He always has some kind of engaging task he wants me to do like write papers for church… Although he stays with someone, he continues to come around to family dinners and events. How can I move on? I have tried for years. ”
Hey Ms Familiar,
It’s hard to let go of that which is familiar. And I don’t believe we stop loving people just because you realize it’s not working between the two of you. But the biggest glue in any relationship to me is having children together. Outside of the father or mother being a deadbeat, or just dead, you two will always be related as parents. There will forever be Life changing events, activities and celebrations that you both will want to attend. So, yes, it’s hard to cut off someone who you will always have to see. The best you can do is tell him how you feel and to move on into another relationship that totally fulfills you.
But men can be persistent hunters. We can be dead-set on a task until we achieve it. Especially when it comes to righting a wrong and reconciling with someone we’ve lost that we realize is good for us. And the “Rubberband Affect” is real. Men tend to pull away from something before we fully commit to see if it’s really what we want forever.
In your case moving on is just that, MOVING ON. You must commit your heart and mind fully to what you truly want. No one can control your thoughts, and actions but you. And if you blame someone else for your decisions you’re only hurting yourself.
Men speak to me everyday, but they don’t ask me out on a date. Could you give me some pointers on being more available without appearing desperate and easy? Thank you in advance.”
Hey Ms Available,
This is really a common issue that many women run into. Guys are gentlemanly and say Hello, may even have a conversation. But that’s it. Now I’m going to hit this from another angle that you may not have heard before. Some men are either preoccupied, or lacking the stability to back any kind of confidence. A relationship, married, complicated, wanting just sex, over worked, under worked, not attracted to you beyond hello, too attracted to you… when a man’s mind is all over the place, he may not pick up on signs that you are interested. Sometimes that’s a good thing, like when he has a girlfriend or wife.
Some guys are still old school in their thinking as well. Meaning he won’t ask you out if he doesn’t feel like he can afford to take you out. Yep. If he doesn’t feel financially stable enough to ask you out on a date, he may just have a little nice conversation and keep it moving. Which may not be a bad thing either; if a man with financial stability is important to you.
The reason I touched on these two things is because it’s not always you or something you are or are not doing. But, here are some things to think about:
1. Are you smiling – A smile is always attractive (if you have nice teeth)
2. Can you flirt – Your eyes, your lips, your tongue, your hair, and your eyes. Before you ever say a word, are you able to captivate him?
3. Keep it casual and fun – Nowadays even women talk about their jobs. And the Battle Of The Sexes bullshit starts a childlike tit-for-tat in conversations sometime between a guy and a gal. Save deeper conversation for the first date. Let him ask questions. You’ll actually learn more about him through what he asks you than what he tells you.
4. BE WOMANLY (most important) – Femininity is one of the greatest powers on earth; but it seems to be becoming a lost art. Sugar Spice and everything nice. Soft, warm, and smelling wonderful. Personally I love holding a soft woman. I mean there’s nothing wrong with working out and being strong, but, some men still like a soft feminine woman.
Now I know some women may find this to be basic, or too old fashion, but I believe being a woman is amazing because you are already a woman. Most woman just have never truly activated their inner power. That in and of itself is very attractive.
Why do men put a condom on but then lick the ass clean humm”
Hey Ms Salad,
First let me say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA…It’s funny because it’s true…at times. You know, I believe there should be no limits to what a consensual evening of loving entails. And if after reading my book “But Naked Honest” (plug), a guy has asked “Hey baby do you have any STD’s…” got a “NO, I’m clean”…and wants to stick his tongue in the tunnel of no return, then by all means HAVE AT IT! I mean come on Ms Salad; Haven’t you done something before and later said to yourself, wow I’m really a freak! If not, add it to your Bucket List.
Some guys would never do, that. I hear some guys don’t do oral sex at all…no… really. I think if the ass is clean, in every way possible, and disease free, and you like it when he does it, LIVE LA VIDA LOCA! But men and women, before you toss Ms Salad, do your homework.
So I married a narcissistic alpha-male, not only that we have kids together! Of course I didn’t know when I married him that this dude has some serious issues. He’s a Mama’s boy and even moved his mom into our home 3 years ago (please note, we have been married only 5 years). I became the 2nd woman of the house next to his beloved mother. His mother spoils him incessantly, does everything for him and waits on him hand and foot as if she is proving herself and wanting to become his “wife” (she is widowed) .I initially didn’t have a problem with her until later I overheard her say something negative about me to my husband. not only that, they were all lies! Who knows what other things she had been saying about me all along. Needless to say, my hubby and I eventually had a serious falling out over his mom among other things. We are now separated and I moved out of the house along with our two kids out. Meanwhile, his mom still lives with him and had no problem at all with me and her grandkids moving out of the house! Ridiculous! I honestly think she plotted from the beginning to get rid of me.
Tell me, oh wise one, how can I effectively co-parent with my soon to be ex-husband when his Mama is all in the picture??!”
Ms 2nd Wife
Hey Ms 2nd Wife,
First off I’m sorry to hear about your separation. In this time and place where divorce and separation get more publicity and acclaim, in some cases, than marriage it’s still a tragic reality against the family dynamic. Now, as for how you can “effectively co-parent” with your soon to be ex-husband; I’ll give you the advice a good friend gave me some years back – FILL IN THE GAPS. That means don’t let your kids go without resources and the things they need. Most importantly your undying love towards them must be displayed more than your bitterness and resentment toward their Father and Grandmother. Filling in the gaps means that no matter what those kids don’t fall. There is no place for “He’s their father he should…” don’t assume he will do anything he hasn’t already done…scratch that…DON’T ASSUME HE WILL DO ANYTHING. If he watched you and your kids move out, he could possibly watch you go without what you all need.
I know this is hard on you all, and of course there’s always 3 sides to every story. (your side/his side/and the truth)… Well and then WHAT MAMA SAYS…smh. Right now you are officially a single mother. And you must always do what’s best for the children and yourself. That also means if he wants to be involved in their lives and be a father to them wholeheartedly, then never deny him that right.
If a man or woman never has the proper relationship with their parents, it will cause discourse in all the other relationships in their life. This includes not being able to leave his MAMA and cleave to (or become connected to) his wife.
Marriage is meant to last a lifetime, I believe, because that’s how long it takes to know and love your mate. If your foundational years are broken up by another woman ( be it his mother or not) you’re gonna have a hard time learning how you can deal with one another in the hard times. So, without going too deep into the wrongs of the Wonder Twins over there, and knowing you want to Throw Mama from the Train, YOU MUST FILL IN THE GAPS for your children. Just be sure to get to LOVE, as quickly as possible. You have to brush off bitterness, and hate like a bee on your ear; because it’s sting can be deadly.
My Girls and I have asked this question among ourselves many a time. If Man knows he’s not well endowed ( Magnum XL) why does he still use a larger size condom, instead of one that fits? This can make for an uncomfortable situation. We as Women want to say something, however we don’t want to hurt a Man’s feelings.
What’s the best way to tell a Man to get the right condom that fits him…?”
Hey Ms BiggieIsActuallySmalls,
Over the past decade one of the biggest “Taboo” questions that come up at my Live show is “How do I tell him his penis is not that big?” or “How do I tell him his penis is small?” or “How come/ Why come, he doesn’t realize that he has a small…” Well… we men are sometimes motivated by our egos. Not all. Some men will tell you upfront “I don’t have the biggest tool, but my tongue…” or whatever. Trojan knows that every man, deep down inside, wants to win an Olympic Gold Medal! We are competitive by nature. Before the Magnum condom most men would keep condoms in their wallet, or even a separate little wallet. When Magnum jumped on the scene, men proudly gave it a whole pants’ pocket to itself! It became a status symbol; like gold chains, BMW’s, and Bentley’s. It meant you had arrived! And like some people perpetrate with status symbols without the means to support their extravagant front… ergo a small penis in a Magnum.
The problem with bringing it up to a guy is that most women don’t say anything until she’s pissed at him or breaking up with the guy. This is a sensitive subject like a guy saying your Vagina is dry. (but there’s not an enlargement lube yet – BILLION DOLLAR IDEA) Hopefully you can have the kind of relationship with a guy where you can go have coffee or dinner and say… “Hey baby…umm…you don’t need a magnum…” If you’re cool with his size, but still want to be with him, and he cares about you and wants to be with you hopefully he’ll listen and downsize. The danger of using a condom that’s too big is you don’t get any true STD or Pregnancy protection; especially if he pulls out to change positions or stop and magically the magnum has disappeared.
Let me give you 2 ways to solve your “Small man in a Big City” scenario:
1. PAPER TOWEL/TOILET PAPER ROLL TEST – Now only an intellectual guy who’s totally into you may be cool enough to let you do this to him. While his penis is fully erect take a paper towel or toilet paper roll and slide it over. If you can slide it over with no problem, he does not need a magnum. Magnums are more so for girth than length.
2. BABY I’M ALLERGIC TO… – No man in his right mind will question what a woman’s vaginal allergies. If you say you’re allergic to a certain condom and you can only use THIS (smaller) KIND WHICH FITS THE SAME…Bingo!
Bottom line if you two love having sex with one another, he’ll gladly switch brands. A silver or bronze medal won’t matter if he can still get some of your goodness.
Troy, I am so confused by younger men always hittin’ on me, it’s ridiculous and annoying and I really, really wonder what that’s about. It’s not even like I have a banging body that may turn them on ???”
You do know that us men see other things about women besides their “banging” bodies right?? Like your eyes, smile, (actually those 2 are huge) and your beauty. Then we hear your voice and the way you speak to us. And we do watch your walk. Not just your hips and ass but how your posture is; your confidence, and your demeanor. Yes, we look a bit deeper at times. Also, since we men hit our sexual peaks much younger than women (which to me just means we’re usually comfortable with the limited arousal point of our body; we get hard – versus the many depths of physical and emotional anatomy that a woman has to learn about herself), it shouldn’t surprise you that younger men would be attracted to you. Younger men are also ready to take on any challenge; though at times they’re a bit ignorant to the depths of a woman’s emotional wants and needs. They sometimes figure pleasing a woman sexually and romantically will be enough. But as we grow older and wiser we begin to realize that women are the most amazingly diverse beings on the planet and it can take a lifetime to learn one of them ♥.
With that being said, YOU ARE A WOMAN. It is primal for a heterosexual male (shit and some homosexual males) to be attracted to you; no matter his age. Now, it could be mere attraction; sexual, admiration, infatuation, or even longing motherly nurturing. Those things you have to find out over coffee and as the relationship progresses…if you choose that mission.
I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. We were at a friend’s house party and everyone thought we were married. So much so they said we looked like an old married couple. When I introduce him, I just introduce him by name. No title. So I asked him how he would like me to introduce him and he gave me that choice. I said I know what I want to say But (asked) how did he feel about it. He said, “I’m not feeling it.” I was shocked and couldn’t even ask what he meant. Is he trying to tell me something?”
Hey Ms Led,
Yes mam, he’s telling you you’re not his lady. He’s saying, “when and if I’m ready for you to be my lady I’ll let you know, until then, just call me Fred.” Or whatever his name is…baby!! I’m not sure why he gave you the go ahead to name your relationship when it’s obvious he’s uncomfortable about your relationship; at least in public he is. And I’m sure all the “Oh My…y’all married yet… y’all look like you’ve been together forever…” didn’t help. I have to tell you like this sis because I want you to understand; IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU AS HIS WOMAN YOU ARE NOT HIS WOMAN. That’s that, and you can’t change how he feels about that. And I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, I don’t know either one of you…(I don’t think I do…) I’m just saying that this conversation should have happened in private, over coffee or wine… “Baby, who am I to you? Not to everyone else, but to you… what’s my status with you? Should I change my facebook status or not?”
I talk about this in my book “But… Naked Honest? Conversational Foreplay…” if you don’t ask you have no right to assume where a man’s feelings are. Never assume they feel the same way, and vice versa. You have to do a feeling and status check before the dinner party, especially before the nosy, inquiring minds come asking questions. I can’t stress how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to your feelings and emotions. If you ask at least you know to either slow down or gas dat ass! (speed up)
He’s not trying to tell you anything, he told you he’s not feeling the title, not sure if that meant the relationship as a whole; but he made it boldly clear to you. Now, boldly make it clear to him how you feel and what you want. Oh and grab my book from my book section “But Naked Honest” I have ways to ask the hard questions you need to and deserve to know from your mate. Until then, if you haven’t already, sit down over your favorite non-alcoholic beverages and talk to him. Try to put the emotions and feelings aside when you talk to him. And listen if he talks. But be sure to decide what you want from your relationship.
Did you see 50 shades of Grey? If so, what did you think?”
Hey L Sexy, (SPOILER ALERT)
Yes I finally saw 50 Shades Of Grey and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. It was a well written, well cast, and well filmed ROMANTIC MOVIE. I try to go into every movie I see without any real expectations. That way I’m usually not disappointed. But with 50 Shades the promotion and build up was so HUGE, that I thought they were going to make a cheesy R-rated Porno; yet it was nothing like that. It was really just a modern day romantic movie with 2 young adults, and one happened to be a billionaire. There were 2 women sitting behind me and with every flirtatious discussion and sex scene I could here them whisper, hiss, their breath quickening…shit I heard them blush and get wet a few times.
Since I never read the book, I wanted to see who the characters were and how they developed. The Director did a great job bringing their energy to the forefront without a bunch of unnecessary dialogue. Well done. The great thing about 50 Shades (the movie) is that once again, like Dr Ruth, Victoria Secret, and Sex Toys the “Play Room” is now acceptable conversation and allowance among Housewives and MILFS. As well as college students trying to pay off school loans.
Nothing is TABOO about Dominant and Submissive relationships now because it has been presented in a palatable Hollywood form. Women are in coffee shops giggling and fanning themselves about new possibilities in their 20 year relationships.
So men, if your woman is trying to drag you to see 50 Shades, do yourself a favor… take her twice.
I like romantic movies, so I did enjoy 50 Shades Of Grey. It didn’t push the limits of the R-rating to me. If anything, it’s a good introductory tool to women, men and couples who have thought about exploring those untapped sexual desires, fantasies, and fears. And as any good movie franchise, it ended letting you know to Get Ready for Part 2! And for those who haven’t seen it yet, don’t worry I didn’t spoil anything.
I have been with my boyfriend 7 years. About 2 years in to our relationship we stopped having sex, we don’t even kiss. I know he cares he shows me through very expensive presents like diamonds, a house, brand new cars each year and so on. We also never argue except when it comes to this issue. I have suggested therapy, viagra, even watching porn together but he will do none of this. Now I am thinking it is time to find this part of my relationship somewhere else what do you think?”
Ms I Wish I Was Sleepless
Hey Ms I Wish I Was Sleepless,
SAY WHAT?? Ok, don’t get me wrong, I know people have many reasons that they don’t have sex. Everything from religious beliefs to sexual abuse to erectile dysfunction, to children… can cause a person to not want to have sex. So hopefully by now you know why he doesn’t want to, or can’t, have sex. With that being said, did you stay in a sexless relationship because he’s nice and treats you good? Because from what you’ve said, it seems that you really enjoy having sex. And that’s natural. Sex is also one of the glues that help hold a relationship together. I see a relationship like a house. And just like it takes all kinds of glues, nails, plaster, bricks, wood, steel and…well…SCREWS to keep a house together, I see a relationship the same way. Love is a glue, companionship is a glue, trust is a glue, friendship is a glue, children are a glue and SEX is a glue; just to name some. I believe the more glues you have holding things together the better your relationships will be.
Now since you said “… it is time to find this part of my relationship somewhere else…” tells me that you don’t want to leave everything about your relationship, you’re just tired of being in a sexless relationship. Relationships are all about compromise. But you have to know that what you need is important too. And unless sex, is a throw away item, not having sex was bound to cause an issue eventually and will end your relationship if not eradicated. 7 years is a long time to be with someone when your intimacy is limited and you desire more from them. You have to make a decision; do you stick it out and hope for the best, do you start a side affair with Magic Mike or Dexter St. Jock, or do you end your relationship? Always establish what you want early in a relationship. You were together for 5 years with him without sex. Are you ready to end your relationship just because you want some hot, steamy, juicy, delicious, naked sex?? Not a bad reason at all…
The choice is yours.
Subject: Fifty Shades of Strong
I’m married to a VERY alpha male and we have a wonderful marriage with a passion and intimacy we’ve both never experienced before. Being an independent and alpha female, I find it surprisingly easy (and prefer) to check my dominance at the door in the bedroom, and this works incredibly for us. We could actually teach Christian and Anastasia a few things, wink wink. Checking my alpha outside the bedroom is a different story. Because I’ve done enough reading to know that a man needs to feel in charge, on a day to day basis I let him be (or think he’s) in charge but when I feel strongly about something I don’t give in. Our families have compared us to the Italian couple in the Haagen Dazs commercial but I believe this is why our passion is so strong! We never really fight, but we have these “bickering sessions” occasionally (which lead to great make-ups.) I’ve also seen this same bickering behaviour in my in-laws who have been married 45 years. So my question really is, do I need to keep my alpha in check to keep the peace or can these little outbursts healthy?
Hey there Mrs Strong,
If I was a psychiatrist you and your husband would be the perfect patients. Free Money!! I feel like you two have been together for several years, and this is normal for you. If your husband loves you and gets excited by you being you, then continue to be yourself. Unless he starts saying stuff like, “I’m tired of you always trying to be the boss!” or “Stay in your place woman!”, I believe your marital spats are normal. In any relationship it’s what you and your partner can live with and bear, in love one for another, that will help determine blissful longevity or not. And as of now you and your husband seem to enjoy your flow. No harm no foul. I believe it’s healthy to express your opinions to your mate and vice versa. Little disagreements are no problem, and can be healthy; a great stress reliever. Continue to be you and all will be fine.
The other key thing is to continue to learn who your husband is and what he likes. It seems like you two are fine. So, start an argument tonight and enjoy the spankings and Make-Up sex!
When I’m in a relationship, it’s awesome. I love being able to share my thoughts, fears, worries, dreams and goals with my significant other. However, when it comes to sex…there has never been one guy that could keep my attention. Even if the sex is phenomenal. I still seek and urge sexual escapades with other men (usually with prior conquests). I’m wondering why is one dude never enough?”
Ms Lady M
Hey Ms Lady M,
Well, my answer may surprise you. I don’t think you’re a nymphomaniac; and many may disagree with me. I believe your conquests are about POWER. Yes. There is nothing sexier or more dangerous than a woman who owns her Universal Power. Though I don’t doubt that you love sex, I think your real kick is knowing that men fiend for your presence and to be with you. That at any given time you can have just about any man you HAD. The fact that you said “usually with prior conquests” tells me that there is a definite familiarity and control factor involved.
I don’t see this as an all bad thing. You have tapped into something that is centuries older than you Lady M. It was a trait possessed by Queens like Hatshepsut, Nefertiti, Cleopatra, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, … shit it’s the reason that Charles will die the “Prince” of England because hi Mama ain’t giving up that throne! While you may ride your throne in the reverse cowgirl position, hey…it’s still a throne for you. You are the owner of your destiny and your male sex servants help you establish that in your life. The one thing that can become an issue is when someone truly attains your heart to the point where you have to relinquish some of your power, or even focus it all on one kingdom. Rulers gain power by how much they own. Queen M, how will history write your tale of ruling over the land?
Most of the time, people assume that it’s always the men who try to live out their hay days before they tie the knot, but I am a woman who’s wondering if I am settling down too soon?
When I came to college, I imagined experimenting with my sexuality. This didn’t necessarily mean sex, but I wanted to know what I liked, who I liked, what I didn’t like, etc. I thought these experiences would happen with multiple people.
However, I met who is now my significant other and never looked back. Now, it’s getting closer to that “time”, and I am full of fear and anxiousness. I love my man! So why do I keep wondering how me and old dude from high school would have been like? Or that Kappa or Alpha on the yard? Or the guy in biology class that suggested trying group relationships?
It’s crazy how this one part of me could never see myself with anyone else but him. He’s the guy I want to marry, spend the rest of my life with, and have a family with. Yet, there’s another side that wonders if there’s something that I didn’t do that I “needed” to experience or if this is just the jitters before the commitment. 🙂 Thank you in advance.”
Hey Ms Yo,
1st let me say you’re NORMAL! As a matter of fact, from my life experience and study of other people’s relationships, I can say you’ll always have times where you’ll wonder “What if I had…” Whether these are commitment jitters, real fantasies, desires, or sexual fetishes repressed for years… doesn’t matter really in the grand scheme of things; what will always matter is what you do about it. Since you know this is the man you want to be with forever, hopefully you can share your deepest darkest Freaky-McNasty desires with him. Because if you can, and he doesn’t judge you, it can take your relationship to the next level. Now if you can’t be this open with him…and you don’t venture into a final escapade with your wild thoughts, can they just stay thoughts or will they one day service with mad vengeance??
That’s what you’re wondering right? Do I need to experience more before I “settle-down”. Well if you consider joining into the most powerful union between two people, on earth, as “Settling Down” then it would seem justified to have thoughts of getting in your final freaky fits of joy!! But, let me help you change your wording. Start calling it “Taking Off”. Lifting up to a higher plain. Love Light in Flight. Soaring like birds not landing. A new beginning, not settling. Because if it becomes settling, then yes girl… go sex them all before you die!!! But if you can feel excited in your marriage and open with your lifetime lover, you may get everything you want.
And remember…you’re not married yet, so the choice is truly yours. Either way, in whatever choices you make, I believe you’ll be just fine.
Subject: Friendship Love Affair
I’m having a friend ship love affair.
Me and my closest home girl started a secret love affair but she’s married. It all began while she was pregnant I know it sounds crazy but I was overly attracted to her prior and especially during that time. We got closer as her husband was away on business. I was there to rub her feet, listen to her feelings and satisfy her food cravings. As her hormones started to change she became sexually frustrated with his absence and what started out as holding lead to touching, rubbing, caressing then opening the door to 4 play and sex. After the baby was born her husband took time off for bonding and what we started was put on hold. She fell in love with me and our friendship became a relationship. What can we do to fix things? Her feelings towards me are changing since I’m dating. I don’t want to lose my friend but how could she trip she has a husband.”
Ms. Red Flame (A friend in need)
Hey Ms Red Flame,
Caught up…in a friendship love affair hoping true love will find you there! Sorry the song just popped in my head… ok, on to your dilemma. Well, to be honest, you may lose your friend; especially if she’s not going to leave her husband. Sadly something that started off as you being there for your home-girl turned into Secret Lovers (OK last song reference…promise). There is no happy ending to this story, especially for your friend. Because she will either lose you or her husband. Unless they decide to make a special home situation where you become the in-house Nanny/Lover, I just don’t see this getting better. Especially because now since she has Lover-Feelings toward you, she’s already displayed feelings of jealousy about you dating other people…even though she’s married. Does she love her husband and want to keep her family? If so it may be best for you to step out of the picture. But, there have been cases, time and time again, where friends have had sex with each other, and when they realize they can’t function in a relationship they go back to functioning as friends. But this takes time, and the fact that she’s married… #Messy. Because you two would have to secretly mend the relationship at a time when their baby should be priority number one. My suggestion, is if you really value you’re friendship, BOW OUT. You have to know when to walk away for the greater good. This would be that time.
Subject: Love Advice
Is it possible to make a relationship work when there is no trust? How can you make a person trust you?”
Ms Promises Promises
Hey Ms Promises Promises,
No and you can’t. That was easy! Trust is probably the crazy glue or the dry-wall of the Relationship house. That’s just my way of saying, if it’s not the most important component of a relationship it’s definitely in the top 2, second only to LOVE. Let me break it down like this; from the first time you meet someone you’re building trust. Can I trust this person enough to talk to them? Can I trust this person enough to give them my number? Can I trust this person enough to go out with them? Can I trust this person enough to tell them everything about me? Can I trust them enough to kiss them? Can I trust them with my heart?? You feel me? Can I trust you to feel me?
If there is no trust it’s like you’re trying to have love, and live your life with a total stranger. A relationship can’t exist without trust. Trust is essential to every part of a relationship. Even when you break-up with someone you want to trust that they won’t spread your business all over town. And for the record you can’t make a person do anything, unless you force them against their will. If you manipulate a person into a false sense of trust, beware of the backlash from their original self when they come to their senses.
Only deep unconditional love and a forgiving nature can help a person trust someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy. Yet the problem with human forgiveness is the defense mechanism of never forgetting what hurt you. Trust is something that can be easy to establish and almost impossible to regain. But there is always a chance.
Subject: My boyfriend has kids…I don’t.
My boyfriend and I are thinking of moving in together, but he has kids, and I don’t. Not only don’t I have kids, I’ve never wanted kids. I love ’em, I just never wanted any of my own. So…does this mean we’ll never have sex in the kitchen again?? Or loud sex, or naked TV time??? How does it work? Can it work??”
No Kids Allowed
Hey Ms NKA,
I’ll give you the good and then the bad. The Good – If you love him, and his kids and have an open heart and mind anything is possible, and you can learn to adapt. Especially because you are the one that will have to adapt. The Bad – Good sex is a mothafuka ain’t it? LOL I mean you knew going in you didn’t want kids yet you hooked up with a guy that doesn’t just have a kid, but kidS!! Ha! It must not have been a deal breaker for you then, you have to decide for yourself if it is now that you all will have to coexist. As far as the all the time anytime sex, and naked TV time…yeah that probably will now be confined to closed doors and sneaking around like teenagers trying to get it in for the first time; while the kids are home. And depending how old they are and how often they’re in the house will regulate that further. Yes it takes all kinds of Sacrifice to be a PARENT. Because whether you like it or not, when you move in with a boyfriend who has kids you take on the responsibility of those kids as well. And one day you’ll be alone with them and have to be step-mommy-ish…yep! You can’t call him Daddy too loud because the kids will repeat it… the kitchen is now family central, the TV will become a game center. The couch will become a treasure chest for toys and change…and you’ll have to have it steam cleaned of your bodily fluids in preparation for their bodily fluids, food, and juice stains. Oh Happy Day.
Can it Work; yes, but it will take work and sacrifice. Are you ready?
Is it possible to masturbate too much and no longer feel the need for sexual contact.”
A Girl Named Nikki
Hey Nikki Girl,
I think when you start to see bruising and your vagina turns greenish-black&blue like a “Rocky” movie, then it may be time to ease up on the self pleasure. Masturbation is normal. Probably about 90% of the population is doing it right now or thinking about it. It’s wonderful, especially as a woman, to know what pleases you sexually and how to get there. It becomes a double plus when you can share the experience with your partner, with no judgement from them, and show them how to please you to the ultimate climax.
But I believe there is something in our human make-up, our DNA, that requires the touch of another to live. If done correctly touch can heal another person emotionally, mentally, intimately, even physically. Not wanting another person for sex can be brought on by a number of feelings; not wanting to be bothered, heart broken, mad, not trusting someone…
So while I’m sure you, your hand, your sex toys and your kittykat are the best quartet in the land right now… don’t be upset if your heart steps in and says “Ehem! Who’s that over there?” But…keep loving you some you and CUM BACK NIKKI CUM BACK!!!
Subject: 1st Date
Is it Taboo to have sex on the first date or the first time you meet a man in person?”
Ms I Wonder If I Take You Home
Hey Ms I Wonder…
The word Taboo is just like the words nasty and freaky. Whats taboo to me may not be taboo to you; and vice versa. When it comes to two consenting adults, I say do your thing, but…(and this is a BIG BUT) at least write down 10 questions to ask the guy before you have 1st Date Sex with him. Questions like; 1. Do you have any STD’s or STI’s, 2. are you married or seeing someone 3. are you gay or bisexual? 4. What’s your faith/religion 5. Do you have kids? 6. What’s your full government name? 7. Where are you from…
In my life I’ve done some crazy things, but through the grace of God I’m here to tell stories and joke about them to help people realize that it’s not that deep. We all have made fun, impulsive, crazy, even stupid decisions at times. But as I’m approaching the second half of my life, wisdom tells me “Um Troy…you may want to get a little more information from the lady you met on that subway train before you bone her in that Spot-O-Pot.” Figuratively speaking…you know what I’m trying to say. Live your life, but be safe.
Subject: Is he quirky or just plain crazy?
For about 6 months, I’ve been seeing an amazing, sensitive, quirky and temperamental guy. Most of the time we have a great time, HOWEVER at the snap of a finger things can just get really bad. He’s a self proclaimed introvert yet one-on-one he’s exciting and very entertaining. I really like him, but when he gets in his mood he can say really mean things and get loud & condescending. We communicate very well, so we get over things pretty smoothly and the tempers NEVER last. But it can put me in a bad space, which I cannot allow. It’s happened 4 times in 6 months.
I already know he’s “special,” but what are the signs to know if he’s the bat-shit crazy?”
Ms Norman Bates
Hey there Ms Bates,
I think you may already know the answer, but are holding on for… I’m not sure…to see what’s behind elevator door number 2. Let me help you baby… RUN! And I’m usually not so swift to say cut a person off but the fact that you said “…at the snap of a finger things can just get really bad.”; that’s the same phrase I’ve heard from people who were abused in domestic violence situations. 6 months has been enough time of your life spent in a crazy cautious seesaw with old boy. Ask yourself this; If in 6 months I know for sure he’s snapped at least 4 times and put me in a bad space I had to recover from, why would I stick around for number 5?
You can’t make him get over whatever issues or past hurts that cause him to Snap; and you damn sure don’t have to stay to be the recipient. Baby, believe me, whatever his good qualities are those same qualities can be found in other, more mentally stable, men. Love yourself enough to not stick around for Snap #5. YOU GOT THE POWER!!
Subject: Anal Play
I get turned on by humping a man’s ass. Although I do sometimes enjoy penatration as well it’s not always a requirement to get me off. Why is it so hard for men to understand that as long as it’s a woman it’s not consider gay to participate in anal play?”
Ms I Have A Surprise For You
Hey Ms IHASFY,
Simply put, most heterosexual men think they should be the only ones humping and sticking a woman from behind, not the other way around. So convincing a man to let you do something to him that he sees as an extreme no no…well, good luck in that. But here’s the bright side there are plenty of men that love an adventurous lover and are willing to try things or may like exactly what you like. It’s all about the conversation before you’re already in the act of sex. You don’t want to spring it on him while he thinks you’re just massaging his back. Yeah that could get violent, and not in a sexy way. Your best bet is to find a lover who fits your desires, who flows with you sexually. Believe me, I’ve traveled the globe with my forum…they’re out there waiting for you.
What is it about getting your dick sucked turns you/men on and is there a particular area to focus on that will make a man blow his top/cum/ejaculate?”
Hey Ms MissCee,
Ahhhhhhh…oral sex… putting your mouth on the sexual center of a man’s body…hmm it’s trust, power, risk, love…trust again (he’s gotta trust that you won’t chump down and end his whole world…while for the non-swallowers out there you’re trusting he’ll give you fair warning before…SPLASH!!) Let me say this, if your clitoris is sensitive and causes you wonderful orgasms when licked, touched and sucked properly…then picture the penis as a big clit. That’s how sensitive most penises are. Now once again this varies in every man; exactly what pleases him. I’ve talked to men who don’t actually like blow jobs. Yes…it’s true. And personally if a woman’s not turned on by sucking my man muscle I don’t want her to do it. No need in us both being dissatisfied. I like a sloppy wet job, with both hands moving and caressing, like pottery sculpting…like that scene in “Ghost” when Demi is doing pottery and it just gets…yep…mmmm mmm good… oh…where was I ummm, yeah… EXPLOSION!! But that’s me. You have to find out what does it for your lover, and if you enjoy pleasing him, you’ll find the joy in giving it to him just the way he likes it.
Subject: Toys in the bedroom
I have found that some men do not welcome sex toys during foreplay but many women find it to be an enhancement to their pleasure. What is the best way to introduce toys without offending your partner?”
Hey Ms Bullet,
Men’s egos are equivalent to women’s emotions. We can be sensitive too. Men are usually up for a challenge, unless we think a bigger better dick is doing our lady. Ergo, if you have a dildo or vibrator that looks like a big dick, or just the fact that you get off quicker with it and know just where to put it, can be a problem to him. He can be intimidated by it. Especially from the women that hide their toys in the dresser drawer like a gun. He finds it and starts crying like he found a love letter from your side dude. Not good.
Introduce the toy to him as a gift to him, and be ready to go that extra mile so that he knows you still love, need and want him and not BOB (battery operated boyfriend). NOTE TO THE MEN: About 70% of women don’t have orgasm and climax through vaginal intercourse alone. So if you’re trying to please her to the utmost, her clitoris is your best friend, and her tinker toy (or power tool) may be your best friend! So men, DON’T LET IT INTIMIDATE, CELEBRATE her toys!
What’s a fantasy you’ve never shared and would like to try?”
Hey Ms Curiosity…
You know because a a comedian and speaker I’m pretty transparent. So I’ve said that I wanted to have sex with a female midget, on stage, before. (not on an actual stage, I said it on stage) I may have mentioned wanting to have sex on a plane before. But not a private jet. I want to have sex in a commercial plane. I’m 6’2″ so the bathroom is kind of dangerous. A good hit of turbulence and I’d break my long neck on the slanted ceiling. It would be hot to go at it right in the seats, during a night flight…packed plane when everybody’s acting like they’re sleep. But you women tend to get to carried away. Get to screaming “Hi Jack me!!! Blow it up! I’m exploding!” And we’re locked up and on the news… smh
How long should you make a man wait for sex?”
Hey Ms Holdupbuddy,
I don’t think you should see it as “Making Him Wait”, but more so getting to really know him. I’ve been doing my Sex, Love, and Relationship forums for over 10 years, with 80-90% women audiences; so I know women get just as horny as men, and sometimes want sex more than men. So sometimes women may jump the gun and want sex sooner than men. Yes, I said it!
If you take time to know one another then your comfort level will grow past sexual desires. Here’s a tip; Write down 10 questions that you would like to know about a man before you have sex with him. Like ,1. Do you have any STD’s or STI’s, 2. are you married or seeing someone 3. are you gay or bisexual? 4. What’s your faith/religion 5. Do you have kids? 6. What’s your full government name? 7. Where are you from…
Of course you can write your own questions, and your list could be 20 questions. And you don’t have to get all of the answers in one date! You’re an adult; so you have to live with your decisions and how they make you feel. Just give yourself room and permission to make the best decision possible before you give a man THE MOST POWERFUL, and DELICIOUS DESSERT ON EARTH.
Subject: Lust or Love
How do you know if a man is just lusting after you vs has a genuine interest in loving you?”
Hello Ms. Goodies,
Well I’ll be honest, when a man first meets a woman it’s all physical attraction. We don’t tend to spark up conversation with women we’re not somewhat attracted to unless we have to be around them in our everyday comings and goings (work, school, church, hot air baloon…). So yes, initially it’s attraction. The only ways to find out if he’s lusting for you are time and conversation. Go out with him about 3 times, dinner, coffee, lunch, a walk; at least an hour each time. See where is conversation goes. Does he make good eye contact, is he following what you’re saying. Is he interested in what you’re interested in. AND HERE ARE THE BIG ONES, How often does he refer to sex, how much does he make advances and flirt with you physically, and how much does he ask for sex? Unless he’s really trying to trick you, and doing a great job, his true intentions (if any) are bound to rise to the top with time. (Pun Intended)
Subject: Question about men
How come it takes some men a really long time to cum? And some men can cum in less than 15 minutes?”
Ms Hour Glass
Hey Ms Hour Glass,
Scientifically, it has to do with the individual sensitivity of the man’s penis to touch. Some men also have mental and breath control which helps them prolong ejaculation. A man that cums quick during sex, or sex related activity may just be very excited and turned on to the point where he can’t control himself. He he continues to have this issue to the point where it’s a problem with his mate, he can study techniques and breathing to help, get psychiatric or even medical help. For the man to who seems like he never cums he could be doing it on purpose by controlling it, or he may be desensitized. Yep… his penis could be numb from over masturbation, or just not so sensitive to immediate stimulation. Sometimes alcohol or drugs can delay ejaculation because it takes longer for the nerves to relay the information to the brain…not always a good thing (don’t want to promote drugs or alcohol, unless they sponsor me) And by the way, a good strong 15 minutes is nothing to laugh at, but, I digress.
In either case it’s pretty normal that all men are different. Sometimes a man may ejaculate quick in the first round of sex, and then go for an hour or two without coming. If you like longer sex with your man and you know this, make it a sport and have fun helping get that first one off at dinner or the coffee shop. Then by the time you get home, let the marathon begin!!!
Do guys like their booty licked while massaging their balls?”
Hey Ms Mar
Actually some guys do. There are plenty of pornos that confirm this; as well as hookers, and everyday housewives. It’s all according to the individual and their likes and dislikes. Me, personally my booty is ticklish and my balls are small and sensitive. If you do these things to me at the same time I will burst into 15 little gremlins… screaming and spitting fire. Kind of like a vampire in sunlight with a garlic cocktail. Not pretty.
Subject: Is he is, or is he ain’t?
I have to be straight forward… I think my boyfriend is gay! Lately he has been asking me to play with his anus.. One night I giving him head, and I always lick and play w/his grundle, but then he tilted his ass up higher and my tongue went in his ass!! He loved it! He was clean of course, we always shower.. Anyway he’s been asking for a lot of ass play lately. Should I be concerned?”
Ms Crazy Love
Hey Ms. Crazy Love,
Let me first say to those who haven’t googled “grundle” yet it is the space between a man’s scrotum sack and his butt hole. Like the taint on women… just fyi.
Ok Crazy, unless he wants another man to lick his cobblestone road and his ass, he’s not gay. Now have you asked him the following questions:
1. Baby are you gay or bisexual?
2. Baby have you ever had sex with a man (other than yourself)?
3. Baby has a man ever gave you a blowjob?
It’s usually best to ask him these questions immediately after he cums, in a soft sweet voice. That way it takes some of the sting off. I’ve come to learn that even though some people may lie, it’s always best to ask before you have to assume. And just because he says NO doesn’t mean that he’s not a bit curious. But ask yourself, and be honest, is it a deal breaker if he’s bisexual or if he has had sex with a man before?
Also because the rectum is the easiest way to the prostate (google “Milking The Prostate”) and I believe the anus has more nerve endings than the clitoris and the penis; I believe this is why many men and women like anal play. Did it make you excited or scared when he went “YEEEEEEE HAAAAAAWW” …or whatever joyful scream he made? Or were you immediately concerned?
My suggestion would be for you to ask him those three questions first, then see where the dialogue goes. Try not to judge him either way, especially if you didn’t ask him those 3 questions when you first met, or were just dating. Keep me posted! And if you really like him, or love him, try to approach it nicely….like licking ass.